I am a pacifist but every once in awhile I pick a fight with my husband not a physical fight but a verbal fight that often leads to me apologizing. The other night I picked a fight with him about a house. We have been looking to buy our first home and the process has been frustrating at times. We found a house we liked but we were out bid in a bidding war which is unheard of in this economy, at least according to our Realtor. We fell in love with the second house we saw and it has been hard to look at other houses and not compare them to the one we loved. So the other night after spending two days looking at different houses in different neighborhoods around our city I was frustrated and tired. I often pick fights with him when I am oh so tired.
I decided to go online and do some searching only to find some really neat houses in some lousy neighborhoods, some cool houses out of our price range and not one house that thrilled me except for some lofts downtown and a funky house in some random neighborhood I had never even seen. All I can think is that in my tired frustrated state I started to grasp at straws. I said Shawn come here look at this neat place and after the 4th or 5th time of showing him lofts with rooftop outdoor spaces that toddlers who love to climb could easily fall over the side he looked at me and in a kind way said, “honey I am not sure what you want in a home?” Well that was it how could he not know what I want? How could he be so cruel and insensitive? How could he call me on such an obvious oversight in the middle of my crisis? How dare he point out that we lived for several years in a third floor apartment with our two small children and found it difficult? How dare he remind me how much our family loves to be outside? Why was he so unwilling to think out side the box? Why was he crushing my dreams? Why is he always so practical? Why is he always right? Why doesn’t he just shut up? All of these questions and thoughts went through my mind in about a 30 second interval and my response to his question was backed with all these thoughts and questions he could never have guessed were going on in my mind. My response was “Shawn you are not going force me to live in some middle class neighborhood that is going to stifle my personhood,” then I left the room and went to brush my teeth feeling justified because obviously his question was inappropriate at best, right!?
As I was brushing my teeth I realized I might have over reacted just a bit and maybe just maybe Shawn had some valid concerns like our children falling off a roof top deck and maybe just maybe the man who has been my partner in life for over 13 years might care deeply about my personhood and deeply desire for me to be happy and content in our home. When I finished brushing my teeth I went and apologized and in the follow-up conversation I was able to express my deep worry that was the fuel behind all of my angst, a fear of settling down of buying house and losing part of our bohemian lifestyle that I love. As we talked it through I was able to express my fears and in time I have come to see the beauty in a home, in a bit of settling we have the opportunity to use our energy for other things besides moving and learning new places. This is our season on life’s journey right now and I feel at peace with it. Although I am holding a small place in my heart for the opportunity, at another stage in the journey, for a roof top deck overlooking the city skyline even though now is not that time. So many thanks to my patient husband for letting me pick the fight so that I could process the deeper part of myself that was aching to be heard.