Now Is the Time to Grieve   1 comment

It has become clear to me in the past few days as I’m reading The Long Goodbye by Meghan O’Rourke that I am, perhaps, just getting to the deep part of grieving my mom.  Perhaps this should have been obvious to me – perhaps I should have seen that I was turning my mind away from her absence, choosing not to think about her last days or the 36 years we spent in life together, focusing on other pains instead.  Perhaps this should have been obvious, but it wasn’t. 

Beautiful, well-intentioned, loving people have said, intermittently, over the last nine months (can it be nine months already?), “I know how you feel.” And each time, I wanted to take them back their shoulders, shake them into focus and say, “No, you don’t.”  Because how could they.  I don’t even know how I feel.

I’m living with my beautiful father – a man who lost his wife of 40 years – and my primary responsibility has been to be sure he is okay.  He is getting there, and I am coming into my time to not be okay for a while.  I’m okay with not being okay.

My grief has been mixed up in grief over lost relationships and career retracks, in the aftermath of my divorce, and in the reality of time passing too far (?) for me to have children.  I’ve had to really work through those pains – the easier (if still brutal) ones – to be able to come to a place where I could handle this grief – the loss of my mother, my best friend, my truest advisor, my champion.

I am happy to grieve her, finally.  It feels like the time is now – coming into our favorite season, a time when I always feel things are new even as they fade away.

Now is the time to face the images of her on the hospital bed, to let the sounds of her breath coming through a baby monitor reach my mind’s ear again, to see her stand and hug my brother and I one last time on the night we came home to be with her.

Now is the time to reclaim these memories and weave them into the tapestry that was her life and is mine.  Beautiful silver threads of grief sewn into the story of her life.

Advertisements

Posted September 2, 2011 by Andi Cumbo-Floyd in Aging, Life Lessons, Relationships

Tagged with , ,

One response to “Now Is the Time to Grieve

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Beautifully written. Glad you are finding the time and the space to let yourself be not ok.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: