A Woman’s Relationship with Herself – Guest Post by Shawna Martin   2 comments

I woke up in the middle of the night last week scheming some expensive plan that involved travel and new outfits; probably something to do with the “resort” clothing catalogs arriving each January I thought, “Oh. You’re too old for that.” I’d also need a serious Brazilian Wax and pedicure.

I’m past my fourth decade. I never was able to have children. I’ve danced at my friends’ weddings over the past decade. They each had children and entered the Mommy Universe – a place I’ll never be: with them or otherwise. I’m still the same person I was when I was 32, except I’m not.

I still exercise 5 mornings a week in order to be “ultra sleek”. There is nothing to be “ultra sleek” for – except for me. There are no more nights spent dancing or having parties at each other’s homes. There are parties at homes of course; for other people in the Parental Universe. I’m lonely.

At a time in my life when I thought I’d be married with children and a career – I’m married with a career and an obsessive exercise habit. I also have a nasty addiction to clothes and shoes. I need a twelve step program because, honestly, WHO ever sees me besides the four other people I work with? I could wear the same outfit every day for two weeks and I’m nearly certain no one would notice.

I notice myself. I notice when that dress makes me feel like an elegant Druid. I notice those boots that looked great on line but make me feel like a Storm Trooper. I also notice the extra 5 pounds so no matter how much I want to raid the Hershey Kiss stash in the office – I don’t.

I strive for a healthy relationship with my self and with my husband. I don’t think any of us ever truly gets it perfect. For instance, on New Year’s Eve I had tears streaming down my face because I’ll never have children. I thought I was over that. Apparently not.

So what’s a woman to do? Call her girlfriend who has entered the Grandma Universe and plan a weekend away to a SKI RESORT. No new outfits required; or skiing for that matter. Strike a Pose!

Shawna Martin studied Philosophy at Temple University, is a huge Prince fan, a voracious reader and very content with her odd family of two humans, two cats, and a wily Brittany Spaniel. She works for LMI Advertising.

Advertisements

Posted January 9, 2012 by Andi Cumbo-Floyd in Aging, Our Bodies, Parenting

Tagged with , , ,

2 responses to “A Woman’s Relationship with Herself – Guest Post by Shawna Martin

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. I am sorry for the loss you feel by not having children. But I appreciate the perspective you offer. Thank you for sharing. I have been a mother and wife since 19 and while I love my children I often see people with out children and think their life is so much easier. I also see how having children slows down personal goals and career growth to a crawl that is fought every step of the way for progress. The perspective you offer is while I feel that I gave a lot up to have children you often or at least sometimes feel you gave up a lot because you couldn’t have children.

    • You read me well shessosassy! I often think how much easier my life is without children. I never think I’m blessed to be childless BUT. Then there is the other side of the coin; I’ll never know the intense, perfect love a mother has for her child. I’d have gladly given up a career to be a Mommy. Interesting that Mommies have their “moments” as well. Thank you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: